MY PERSONAL THEORY ON COLDS

Are you fighting a cold? Wonder how your nose can produce so much slimy stuff when you just blew it like two minutes ago? Wondering how come you're so plugged up you can hardly breathe? And what's with all the sneezing and coughing, keeping you up half the night? Fever, chills? Watery eyes? You figure it's germs right? That's what you've been told by the "experts". Well, I have a revelation for you! I've come up with a much more believable theory about this whole upper respiratory infection thing. And I'm going to share it with you, free of charge! Ready? Okay, here it is:
NOSE FLEAS!
Yes, tiny little guys with big families move into your nice, warm nostrils. We're talking BIG families here. Needless to say, your nose fills up with them rather quickly and before you know it...there's not much room left in there for air to get through...the effect of this is what you think of as nasal CONGESTION. Within a few days though, the fleas, who have been sending out letters talking about how great their new place is...are inspiring cousins, aunts, uncles and other distant relatives to come for a permanent visit. But alas, no more can fit comfortably in so the answer is to LUBRICATE. The elders bring in massive quantities of lubricants with a consistency somewhere between motor oil and lard, which of course oozes and drips out as more relatives squeeze in. The effect of this is what you think of as SNOT.
Finally, the inner sanctum becomes too crowded for even these family oriented little folks so there's only one answer: Blasting for more space. The effect of this is what you think of as sneezing. The fumes from the dynamite rise of course and make your eyes water.
Eventually though, the youngest, more adventuresome of the flea inhabitants, get fed up with the cramped quarters and strike out for new horizons. They gather their gear and head down the back of the nasal passages to the throat and beyond. Down, down, down they go until they reach the lungs--a nice clean, clear uninhabited frontier. The only problem is it's a pretty dense area, not a lot of room to spread out so there's only one answer...more blasting. This time though, it takes something more effective than simple dynamite....NITROGLYCERIN. The effect if this is what you think of as coughing. Then, the heat from all that blasting rises of course. This is what you think of as a fever. But of course, after space is made and the blasting is finished, it's pretty hot in the flea's new living quarters too, so they bring in ice to cool things down. You think of this as the chills.

Okay, so that's it...my theory about what the common cold really is. It makes perfect sense to me. But then again, I'm known for being just the slightest bit off center, so..........