LOVE TIMES TWO

By Tina Wagner-Mattern

I have been happily married for twenty-eight years…to two men. Fortunately, they both occupy the same body, so I’m not in danger of being carted off to prison any time soon.
Husband number one’s name is Fred, a hardworking mechanical engineer, quiet, reserved, serious, and an honorable man. He’s very intelligent and analytical; a no-nonsense kind of guy whom I can depend on no matter what kind of crisis comes along. I myself am a free-spirit, usually led by emotions, not logic; my response to most serious problems is to laugh and let God worry about them. Fred’s is to weigh out the circumstances and calculate an appropriate course of action. We are two very different personalities, so when people I know meet Fred for the first time, they are usually surprised. “He’s so…serious”, they say.
I just smile because they don’t know my “other” husband, Freddie.
I’ll give you a for instance: You know how boring grocery shopping is? Not with Freddie. When he comes with me, this is usually how it goes: We walk into the market and Freddie says, “I wanna push the cart!”
“Why?”
“I’m the man, I push the cart.”
“Okay. Whatever.”
And the adventure begins: I’m standing there trying to figure out which soup is the best buy and when I go to put the chosen one into the cart…Freddie runs about 6 steps ahead. So, I run to catch up and he sprints about 8-10 steps further on. Before long, I’m chasing him up and down the aisles and we’re laughing like fools and people are beginning to stare. Finally, stifling a giggle, I grab the vehicle away from him, “Okay, Mister—you’ve lost your cart-pushing privileges! I’m pushing the cart from now on!”
“Hmmph.”
The minute I set my purse in the basket, Freddie jumps on the front—effectively stalling it where it stands.
“Get off the cart, Freddie!”
“I wanna ride!”
“You’re heavy! Get off!”
“You don’t love me….”
“Oh, for crying out loud. All right, but behave yourself.!”
So now I’m checking out the prices on the paper towels and when I turn around, Freddie, now off the cart and about 20 feet away, is in his “Michael Jordan” mode—making basket after basket with assorted brands of toilet paper. There are now approximately 20 packages of tissue in my basket.
Trying not to laugh and thus encourage him, I yell, “STOP THAT!!!!!”
People are beginning to gather to watch.
(All innocence) “What?”
I put all the toilet tissue back on the shelf and continue down the aisle. Freddie has disappeared, thank goodness! At the checkout counter the clerk is ringing up my groceries when I stop her. “Hey, those aren’t my ice cream bars!
“Uh—they were in your basket, Lady.”
“How did those four packages of Cheetos get in there?”
“Hmmm”, she says, with a lifted eyebrow, “You might want to ask him.” She points at Freddie who has suddenly appeared from out of nowhere, grinning like a hyperactive 4 year old
I look at him suspiciously, “Where have you been?”
“Just messin around….”
The clerk waves for my attention: “So…will you be wanting this package of chicken feet?”
“FREDDIE!!!”
At this point, Freddie gives me his most lovable grin and in his best Bart Simpson voice says, “HA HA!!!! You love me!”
“No! I don’t. You’re a pain in the butt!”
“Yes you do!”
I Sigh. “Okay. I do. But I don’t have to like it!”
The clerk and the three people behind us in line are laughing out loud by now.
In the car, as we drive home, Freddie goes into his “bet I can drive you crazy” mode, grabbing my knee, tickling the back of my neck, rolling my window up and down.
“Quit it, Freddie!”
The response is, of course, an escalation of the behavior until I give him “The Look”, and he settles down.
All is quiet for the next quarter mile when suddenly he says, “Ha-Ha!”
I groan. “Ha-Ha what?”
“Ha-ha” he says tickled with himself, “You’re married to me!”

* * *
So, you see, I know all about the kaleidoscope of people who can make up a family. I have a husband who is a rock in every storm and a steadfast partner in a serious marriage. A husband who shows me he loves me with his hard work around the house and in his job, by handling our finances brilliantly and who displays his affection frequently by a warm hug and a light kiss.
But I also get to live with a bona fide character, a best friend who constantly surprises me, who makes me laugh like nobody’s business and who honestly believes that affection is best shown by a well-timed, heartfelt wedgie. Who could ask for more?